the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
