I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize