Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
