Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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