woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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