i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
