Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
