i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
