Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
