My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
