Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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