I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
