It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
