There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
