i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
