My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
