think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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