I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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