You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize