Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
