He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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