The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
