I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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