I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
