the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
