Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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