Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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