there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
