I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
