My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
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