He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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