watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize