drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
