Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
