I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
is wine microwaveable?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
