Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
