I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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