I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
