Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
