sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
