sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
