The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
