I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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