I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
