If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
