Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
