Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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