corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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