Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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