I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
