I just cut my nipple shaving
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I love you.
Bad choice
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
