it was like eating out sand paper
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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