I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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