We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
