So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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