mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
