what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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