mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
