I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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