We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
